its a weegee!
by horacethedemon
Summary: noiz is jealous of aoba and clear, so he tries to get revenge. au where aoba and clear are dating and noiz is aoba's ex. NOTE: this is NOT supposed to be a serious fic, please be aware it makes no sense
1. Chapter 1

Noiz stared intently at the computer, his fingers flying across the keys. a beep sounded and the words "access granted" flashed across the screen. noiz leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, a triumphant grin in his face. it had taken him three days, of no sleep and very little eating, but he was finally finished. this would be his legacy.

"heeyy aoba," clear said, glancing at his boyfriend who was sprawled out on the couch with his headphones on.  
"hmm?" aoba looked at clear expectantly.  
"ok so remember when I was telling you about how every robot like me that toue made is controlled by the same mainframe and..." he trailed off as he realized aoba was still absorbed in his music. "AOBA!" clear yelled and aoba jumped.  
"what!? jeez I'm listening." he took his headphones off.  
"aoba this is really important, an I don't know how I'm going to be able to tell you this but... well..."  
"ok clear seriously, just tell me."  
"um..." clear started picking at a loose thread of the couch. "I think... I'm pregnant."  
"WHAT?!" aoba sat up and grabbed clear by the shoulders. "YOU'RE PREGNANT?! HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? IS IT MINE? OH GOD IM GONNA BE A DAD I CAN'T BE A DAD- wait a minute I can't be the dad I'm a bottom. HOLD ON A MINUTE IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE?! oh my god-"  
"aoba. it's not yours. Toue programmed me and the other robots so they could reproduce. all he had to do was punch in some code and bam."  
"but... how are you still even in the computer records, I mean you were gone for so long..." aoba trailed off.  
"I don't know. I think someone may have hacked the mainframe."  
aoba slowly breathed out putting his head in his hands.  
"ok, so how long do we have until you give birth to a mini clear? a few months? weeks?"  
"um... actually more like..." he paused "three hours?"  
"three hours okay, I can do three hours- wait. tHREE HOURS?! hoooooooly shit oh my god holy fucking-" he broke off, coughing loudly.  
"aoba are you ok? I think you're hyperventilating, do you need some water?"  
"no no, I'm good, I'm" he coughed again, "I'm good. it'll be fine. we just need to calm down and figure this mess out."  
"I am calm aoba."  
"ok fine I need to calm down." he sat back down on the couch next to clear.  
"so like... does it come out you butthole or do you do mitosis or something?"  
"AOBA!"  
"what?! I was just wondering..."  
"it comes out my butt" clear said, blushing furiously.  
aoba almost laughed but then he though better of it.  
"should I call noiz? maybe he'd know what to do, I mean he's good with robots right?"  
"don't you think he might be still... a little upset with you? I mean, you dated for a pretty long time.."  
"nah, he's cool with it we're bros. I mean he's a little you know..."  
clear raised an eyebrow "a little bit of an asshole?"  
"yeah."  
aoba pulled out his cellphone and dialed noiz's number. it rang once, twice, three times.  
"goddamnit noiz!" aoba muttered. on the fourth ring, noiz picked up.  
"this had better be worth my time aoba." he sounded like he hasn't slept in the past week.  
"it's clear he's- wait don't hang up its important- he's pregnant and- GOD NOIZ THIS ISN'T FUNNY STOP LAUGHING!"  
"wow aoba," noiz said "clear finally let you top huh?"  
"this isn't funny and you know it you little shitbag." aoba's face was red and he was clenching the phone so hard his knuckles were white. clear was afraid he might break it.  
"you know what noiz? fuck you I can't deal with this on my own."  
aoba plopped down on the couch, crossing his arms over his chest. "I guess we'll just have to wait."  
*about 2.5 hours later...*  
"AOBA IT'S COMING, THE BABY'S COMING I CAN FEEL IT"  
"OK OK JUST HOLD ON DEEP BREATHS DEEP BREATHS"  
"DONT YOU THINK WE SHOULD HAVE CALLED A DOCTOR OR SOMETHING?"  
"I tried to call noiz but-"  
"NOIZ IS NOT A QUALIFIED MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL YOU IGNORANT ASS CRACK!"  
"wow um... ok rude"  
"SHUT UP AOBA YOU'RE NOT GIVING BIRTH HERE!"  
"alright clear you gotta push, nothing's happening.  
"BUT IT HURTS MY BOOTYHOLE!"  
aoba looked up at an imaginary camera like he was on the office. "seriously clear, come on"  
"IIAAAGHHGGGAAAAA"  
"COME ON PUSH!"  
"AAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA"  
"I SEE SOMETHING COME ON!"  
*fast forward 20 minutes*  
"we'll that's just weird. is it supposed to look like that?"  
"NO! IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE THAT!"  
floating before them was a mustached man in blue overalls, green shirt, and a green hat with a white L on it. he was suspended in the air in a bubble.  
"hhheeeelp weeeeeegeeee" it croaked.  
"hEEEELLLPPPP WEEEGEEEEEEE!"  
aoba and clear backed away, staring at it in horror.  
"what do we do?"  
"I don't know, it came out of YOUR asshole, how about you tell me!"  
" !" the cries were getting louder, aoba covered his ears.  
"CLEAR!" aoba shouted over the shrieks, "I THINK WE SHOULD POP IT!"  
"WHAT?" clear shouted, putting a hand to his ear.  
"I SAID I THINK WE SHOULD POP IT!"  
slowly, carefully, aoba made his way toward the screaming man, gritting his teeth at the assault on his eardrums. as soon as aoba touched the bubble, it popped and the god-awful noise stopped.  
the man's eyes glowed red "its weegee time"  
in that moment aoba realized he had royally fucked up.  
weegee shot out a fire burst from its hands, blasting a hole in the wall. it ran out, splitting itself into two weegees kind if like an amoeba.  
"Jesus Christ they're multiplying" aoba breathed, eyes wide in shock.  
"we helped weegee... but at what cost?" said clear, reaching over to grab aoba's hand.  
"wait a second look at this! it's a note, I think it was in the bubble with the weegee!" aoba bent down to pick it up. it was all slimy from the bubble fluid. gross.  
he opened it. it read "hope u enjoy being a dad aoba! congrats! -xoxo noiz"  
"noiz did this?!" said clear in a shocked voice.  
"that jealous little bitch oh my god he just has to ruin everything that's EVER BEEN GOOD IN MY WHOLE LIFE! I SWEAR NEXT TIME I SEE HIM IM GONNA IM GONNA- I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I'LL DO BUT HE BETTER BE PREPARED BECAUSE THIS IS GONNA COME BACK AND BITE HIM IN THE ASS!"  
"I think it already has. look outside, everything is on fire and there are hundreds of the weegees, life as we know it is over. this is it. it's all over. this is the apocalypse, first here and then the rest of Japan, and it's only a matter of time before they take over the world!" clear laid his head on aoba's shoulder. "this is all my fault," he said, a tear rolling down his cheek.  
"no. it's noiz's fault. we are going to find him and we are going to save planet earth and destroy all the weegees. every last one of them."

the end


	2. Chapter 2

it had been three days. cities were burning, governments collapsing. this was all noiz's fault. his tantrum had gone too far, this was bigger than him, bigger than aoba, bigger than his stupid revenge scheme. this was global. noiz had started the apocalypse. how could he have been such an idiot? he stood up, then sat back down again, discouraged. there was nothing he could do. he has already tried to hack into the weegees to disarm them, but they seemed to have taken a life of their own, beyond toue, beyond his programming. he had stumbled into a higher power that he could simply not understand, let alone control. there was no hope. it was beginning to look like the age of man was ending, ushering in a new age of terror; the age of weegee.  
xxx  
across the city, aoba and clear huddled next to each other in an abandoned warehouse in the north district. the weegees had chased them from their house, and they had ran all the way here, armed only with a big ass hunk of metal aoba found in an alley. much weegee blood was spilled that day. still, they couldn't hide forever. the threat was still at large, still multiplying at an alarming rate. they were like mosquitoes, no matter how many you squished, more would just keep coming. except this was different because the weegees didn't die, no matter how much injury they sustained, after you it them they would just pop back up.  
"aoba," clear whispered,  
"yeah?"  
"if we die here, I just wanted to say that-"  
"no." aoba said firmly. "we are absolutely not going to die here. we are going to stop this. we have to stop this. the fate of the world is at stake here. we can't just sit here and do nothing."  
"we'll what should we do then? "  
"we have to find noiz." aoba clenched his fist. "he started this damn mess, and he sure as hell better finish it."  
"but..." clear frowned "we don't even know where noiz is? he could be dead for all we know.  
"oh he's not dead." aoba smiled ruefully. "it takes a lot more than weegee robots to take out that fucker."  
"but aoba, you kicked his ass in rhyme, right?"  
"yeah well technically it was Sly but-"  
"we'll are you saying that you are stronger than a hundred thousand homicidal robots?" clear looked at aoba pointedly.  
"of course not that's ridiculous!" aoba scoffed.  
"ok well I think you are greatly overestimating noiz's abilities."  
"but this isn't rhyme! he could beat me up in real life!"  
"you're still not stronger than the weegees."  
"I KNOW clear-"  
"good thing you have me to protect you." clear murmured as he kissed aoba on the cheek.  
a beep from aoba's coil interrupted them. it was noiz. aoba jabbed his finger at the "accept call" button.  
"so... aob-" noiz sounded guilty.  
"LISTEN UP YOU FUCKWAD!" aoba interrupted him loudly, his voice echoing off the cement walls of the mostly empty warehouse.  
"THIS IS ALL YOUR GODDAMNED FAULT SO YOU BETTER HAVE A GOOD FUCKING REASON TO BE CALLIG ME DURING THE APOCALYPSE THAT YOU STARTED YOU DISGUSTING PIECE OF SHIT! I SWEAR WHEN I FIND YOU I WILL CUT OFF YOUR DICK AND SHOVE IT SO FAR UP YOUR OWN ASS THAT-"  
"aoba!" clear elbowed him in the ribs. "WHAT?! I JUST HAVE A LOT OF EMOTIONS OK!"  
"you were the one who wanted to find noiz in the first place! like TWO MINUTES AGO you were saying that we should find him and ask him to stop this!"  
"I changed my mind. I don't like working with garbage like him."  
"ok now you're just acting like a child-"  
"aoba," noiz spoke, pausing for a few seconds. "I screwed up."  
"you can say that again." aoba muttered rolling his eyes.  
"I screwed up, and I have no excuse for what I did, but I can't fix this alone, I need your help. I'm sorry I have to as this of you, but I think you're the only one who can help me fix this problem."  
"you're asking me to clean up your mess." aoba folded his arms over his chest and raised an eyebrow.  
"when I- when I created the weegee, I didn't know this would happen. I didn't know they could multiply and do things I hadn't originally programmed it to do. something is at work here, something I don't understand."  
"you're telling me you can't fix it. you can't erase all the weegees or reprogram them or whatever. so basically this world is going to hell." aoba said in a defeated tone.  
"I can't."  
aoba let out a sigh, and clear hung his head.  
"but you can. if you can use scrap and destroy one of them, it will destroy all of them. from what I can tell, their consciousnesses are linked together."  
"I really, really don't want to work with you on this. however, I realize you're pretty much the last hope I have. just this once though."  
"I'm gonna send you a map showing you where I am. meet me there in an hour." noiz ended the call without another word.  
"wow, 'thanks for helping me aoba even though I'm a jealous little turd who deserves to rot in a pit of dog shit!' 'no problem noiz, even though I wouldn't have even been here if it wasn't for you!' "  
"aoba you're getting really worked up." clear put a hand on his shoulder. "it's gonna be okay. we're gonna find noiz and end this. isn't that what you wanted in the first place?"  
"let's get this over with quick." aoba said, standing up and walking over where he had set down the big ass hunk of metal that he had found in an alley near his house. he picked it up. it felt a lot heavier now that the adrenaline rush of running for his life from killer robots wore off.  
"here let me carry that." clear, gently took the metal from aoba's hands. "you focus on getting us to where we need to be, I'll deal with the weegees." a cold, unforgiving light gleaned in clear's eyes, and aoba knew he meant business.  
"got it." he said, checking his coil for the map noiz had sent him.  
"he's not that far from us, actually. if we move quick we could be there in a little over half an hour. that is, if we don't have any delays..."  
"let's go. noiz said one hour, so we've got plenty of time."  
together, aoba and clear pushed away the crates that they used to barricade themselves in. then they opened the door, assaulted by the too bright glare of the afternoon sun. aoba scanned the area, he saw wire fences and old buildings and cracked pavement, but no small figures in green overalls. it was safe, for now at least.  
aoba led the way, clear followed close behind him. together they made their way through the city, taking shortcuts through abandoned buildings every once in a while. it went relatively smoothly, if you ignore the fact that aoba ripped his pants a little trying to climb over a chainlink fence (clear wished it would have been that godawful jacket), and clear almost attacked a stray cat thinking it was a weegee.  
by the time they got to the building noiz was in, they were tired, dirty, but all in one piece. the weegees they had seen they had been able to avoid without being seen by them.  
the building noiz had led them to appeared to be some kind of shop, but the sign had been ripped off, and the whole place looked like it suffered some minor fire damage. the door practically fell off its hinges when aoba pushed.  
"noiz it's me and clear, where are you?"  
"I'm right here." noiz's head poked out from a set of stairs at the back of the shop. they probably led to some sort of storage area where he was hiding out. aoba and clear made their way to the back, stepping over shards of broken glass and chunks of wood. their footsteps sounded unnaturally loud as they descended the staircase. it smelled like gross basement mold.  
a single lightbulb hanging from the ceiling illuminated the storage area. aoba could see noiz and the outline of his computers along the back wall. he actually had time to set those up, what a nerd, aoba though to himself. then aoba noticed another figure laying next to noiz. it was quite abut smaller than him, and it's feet and hands were bound with duct tape. there was a strip across its mouth, preventing it from screaming. aoba was astonished.  
"you brought a weegee in here? how did you catch it?"  
"it wasn't easy." noiz said. "anyway, the tranquilizers will probably wear off soon, so we need to get a move on. "  
"so how do you know this will work?" aoba was mildly concerned at best about noiz's ability to come up with a good plan.  
"I don't know, we haven't tried it yet."  
"ok well if I get seriously injured, you're paying my medical bills."  
"there aren't even any hospitals open you idiot it's the apocalypse!"  
"tHAT YOU STARTED!"  
"GUYS PLEASE SHUT UP ALREADY WE REAAALLY HAVE TO GET GOING!" clear yelled.  
noiz gave clear a sustained look. "why'd you have to bring him anyway."  
"BECAUSE HE'S MY BOYFRIEND AND HE'S HELPING ME YOU MOLDY ASS TURD!"  
"aOBA PLEASE JUST DO THE SCRAP THINGY ALREADY" clear was impatient and real tired of aoba's shit.  
noiz folded his arms and deliberately didnt look at either of them. aoba rolled his eyes and knelt down next to the weegee. he then closed his eyes, putting his hand on the weegees shoulder, bracing himself for what was next.


End file.
